It’s yet another snowy day in Baltimore. Last week I visited my herbalist friend, the one I bug whenever I have a problem I can’t figure out how to fix on my own. I walked into her little shop with the herbs lining the walls and announced, in that way I have when I am not getting what I want, “Jen, I need you to help me get through this winter.”
She said, “Spring is coming, it’ll be here any day.”
I said, “I know Jenny, but I can’t wait and I need to feel better NOW.”
She said, in that infuriatingly zen way she has, “Just be patient, it’s right around the corner.”
“I know,” I said, “But I am losing my mind with this cold. You have all of these herbs, can’t you make something that’s like springtime in a cup?”
She considered for a moment. “I could do that. Like, something flowery?” She is such a genius. And she sent me home with this hibiscus, dandelion, oats, lemon verbena, lavender, motherwort, nettles magic all tied up with a vibrant orange ribbon. All week I’ve been drinking this tea and muttering to myself, “Right around the corner. Be patient.” between sips.
I’ve finally come to the realization that I need to let go of this blog being perfect. I’ve never done a blog before, I don’t know what to say or not say, where is the line between interesting and inane. I don’t even know which things I can legally post (images that aren’t mine? Links to songs on Youtube? I dunno.) I have a long way to go to before I even figure out why I am doing this blog at all. I only have a vague sense of what I have to say, and very little perspective on what I’m going through. I just feel like I am going through something… and I need to express myself about it. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and just… sitting there complaining about the weather.
So I’m letting go of being perfect. I’m letting go of needing to like what I produce and just producing. I’m focusing on the quote by Martha Graham, the one that I always dust off when I’m letting the nasty voice of judgement have too much of a say. The quote that says:
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open… No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
And that’s the best I can do.
It’s right around the corner.